RE: Anxiety

You are not cute. You are not sexy, cool, or retro. You are not even fun. Hell, you are like the worst kind of gift wrapped in a gaudy bow, the biggest let down after a huge buildup.

From zoning out and the unfocused musings and energy, to the weight on my chest and losing feeling in my fingers and hands (and sometimes all the way to my elbows), you tend to creep up on me at the most inconvenient of times. You know, like when I am at work or with friends. And what a joy! 

And you know the best thing? At your very best, you leave me at my very worst. I can't breathe or feel my extremities. I am already anti-social; you make it worse. Not only that, but you also make me feel as though I am alone and always will be. You make me feel I'm worth nothing because you bring up so much doubt within myself. Suffocating, paralyzing fear of failure or of being a let down that I push people away rather than ask for help. And then I wonder why I am single or have no friends. Because of you, I try too hard to prove myself or push people away. 

Why do you feel as though you can knock me on my ass? What makes you think I am completely fine with being vulnerable, especially at the most inopportune of times? In what dimension is that okay?

If that isn't enough, you - and any other mental illness - leave me in the land of stigma. It's a very cold place here, isolated and unfriendly. Whether I seek professional help or not, if I decide to take meds or not, I will always get sidelong glances or be on the receiving end of loaded silences. Even better, sometimes people stop talking to me.

Every day that you impede on my life is a day in my life I will never get back. It's a day I have lost to your cold, thin fingers wrapped around my heart, and icy tendrils spreading through my veins like slush. 

Every day is a fight. It's a fight to keep calm, maintain peace, and be steeped in serenity. It's a struggle to keep a brace face, continue being social, or staying focused. It's a constant battle, even on my best of days.

You know what? Despite it all, I am stronger because of that. I am above all that noise. I am not defined by a stigma. I am not defined by a mental illness. 

I refuse to fall. I refuse to allow myself to be stigmatized. I will, however, be made stronger. I will keep my head up and push forward. 

I am not defined by you. I am defined by who I am. 

You will not take control of my life. You are not going to continue defining how I live. 

I am taking control. I am alive and thriving. 

Allow me to show you who I am. 

RE: Margins

I seem to live in the margins. I live in the margins of my own life, afraid to put myself out there, in fear that I will fail. I am not living my life even by my own standards. I don't even practice what I preach. I keep telling people that I want to live a life full of gaining knowledge and adventures. But aside from gaining knowledge, there aren't any adventures, there is nothing exciting going on. Stuck in the margins of my own life, seemingly content in not going anywhere, no matter how much I want it all to change.
The margins of life tend to keep you there. They hold you in, not letting you move forward with what you want to do. It's as though you are locked in the same cycle every day. Life just flowing by you, making you jealous or unsatisfied with your lot.
I so want to change this, to break away from the margins of life and jump in head first. I want to meet challenges head on, to take risks, to explore the world. I want to change myself. I want to put myself out there, undaunted by potentially failing. Failing is a learning experience, gaining knowledge about myself. Which seems to be something else I am missing out on, living in the margins as I am.
I have to learn to extract myself from the margins, to be out there. Escape the unending cycle the margins of life keep me in. So that I can be someone and have a life worth living. So that I have stories to tell my children and grandchildren. I want to make a life for myself so that I can leave a legacy that I can be proud of.

RE: This Moment

I wish I could stay in this moment forever, free and careless, without a worry in the world. I wish nothing has to change, altering my mood. Because, in this moment, I swear to you everything is right, everything is as it should be. In this moment, I swear to you I am no longer finite.
I want this moment to last forever so that I can feel like this infinitely. Happiness, joy, and reckless abandon has overtaken me, fizzing in my blood. In this moment, this is the only thing that matters.
In this moment, all I ask is for it to never end. Because, in this moment, I'm truly free to be me.

Strange

Strange:

"What doesn't kill you makes you stranger" as told by The Joker...
He talked about marriage
As she sat on his lap
Smoking a cigarette
Under the stars
On a beautiful summer night.
She still thought about him
From time to time
And his eyes so blue
Like the sky
On a day you'd never forget.
Only to glance at an engagement ring
He put on another woman's finger
3 years later...
On St. Patrick's Day
She thought of all the times
They used to go to the bar
With their old friends
Only to find herself
3 years later
On her front porch
Smoking half a pack of cigarettes
Still trying to figure it out
But the unawnsered questions
were about as clear as the thick clouds
of smoke passing through
So she got up
Walked to the end of the street
Layed on her back
Looking upward to feel...
That the sky was still present
She felt the earth tremble in stillness and in darkness
The stars needed the darkness
To help them shine brighter
Disturbed, but awakened by the silence.
.. as the hours passed....
The Sky called "Move"

"Not Meant To Be"

                "Not Meant To Be"

Sometimes in the middle of the night
She can still hear 18 years of fighting
Like echoes screaming in the night
About as clear as the sound of sirens
And she hates the sound of sirens
Because they remind her of hospitals
Where unpredictable things happen.

6 Years old:
After the front door slammed shut
She watched him leave
Through the door hole
Riding away on his bike
Not knowing
Where he would go next
She watched him ride away
Until he was a speck of dust in the wind and a tear in her eye.

8 Years Old:
Foster care was the worst 4 months
But the battle was won
Custody was re-gained
Because of deep love.
The memory of those 4 awful months affirmed her for the rest of her life that if she could endure that
She could get through anything.

11 Years Old:
He was always on her mind.
He went one year without calling them.
Until one summer night.
They decided to try again.
But this would be the "last time"

14 Years Old:
A painfully unforgettable 4th of July
Which lead to yelling and screaming
In the living room
She tried to stop the arguing
She tried to get them to talk
But for a 14 year old...
It was a flood of tears
with currents beyond her control.
The next thing she knew...
She was saying goodbye again
As she watched him
Ride his bike off into the distance
Until he was a speck of dust in the wind and an ocean that filled her eyes.

16 Years Old:
They decided to try again and once again said this would be the last time. He always told her to be on guard and expect the unexpected.

18 Years Old:
She Graduated High School.
He couldn't help but question what he had been doing his whole life up until this point. This time he chose to leave. This time was the last time. She didn't cry. She didn't wonder. She learned serenity. Because sometimes relationships end and people aren't meant to be.

24 Years Old:
Her ignorant boyfriend wonders why she refuses to call him "DADDY" for the fun of the sex. She ran away from him because of his ignorance. The angels surrounding her are proud of the courage she had not to settle for him. They love her for her independence.
In the sound of serenity some things just aren't meant to be.

RE: Late Night Thoughts

why let what others say about you dictate who you are? who are they to tell you who and what you are, and who you can be? other people are not you; therefore, they can't tell you who you are as a person. they can't tell you where you will be in the future.

once people realize you won't stoop to their level, they will start to tell others things about you that aren't true in order to make themselves better. they will warp someone else's view on you so that the other person will view you as they view you. that is how they can control some sort of aspect on how the world sees you.

they are also jealous. they see you succeeding in something, you being the bigger person, you moving forward with your life. and they realize they are stuck. they want to tear you down and bring you back to the same place they are; they don't want you to move forward with your life.

many a time when someone does this to me, I let it get to my head; I think about it and wonder if it's true. and in that moment, the person who speaks untrue and negative words about and against me has won. I have let that person get inside my head and I let him/her tear me down. and it is not fair. because I know it is not true. I know myself better, I know who I am. I need to stay true to myself.

sometimes it just feels really and truly difficult to see the good in yourself when those who have said in the past that they were there for you are now the ones who speak untrue and negative things against you.

you have to remember that those people are anger and hate and loathing all dressed up in a pretty package. it's not about you; it's about them. they want to feel superior for once over you. just once. and you have the power to either give them the key to that superiority or to keep them in the cold.

stick with the realest friends you have. because they won't tear you down, they will never speak untrue and negative words to you or about you to someone else. the realest group of friends you have will always support you and appreciate you as a person. they will value what you have to offer. they will comfort you in time of need and be your best cheerleaders at your highest point.

the best kind of friend isn't afraid to show you his/her real side, scars and all. (s)he knows that you are the same thing to him/her as (s)he is to you. because you and that person can accept each other. without jealousy, hatred, anger, and angst.

but, most of all, be true to yourself. know exactly who you are, be authentic, and don't be sorry. you know yourself best of all. you know who you are, what you are, and that's the biggest asset you have. because if you know that, you have power over yourself, and it'll be so much harder for others to take it from you.

#BeYou

Our Doves

I held the dove close to my heart. As everyone did. I smiled as they all hooted. This was life. Our doves were pure, as our hearts. Then one day, I stared at my friend's dove. The poor thing looked tired, it's feathers were dirty. My friend stared at me emotionless as she walked by. I looked at my pure dove, ran to her and took her dove. For a few moments she looked broken, falling to the ground and curling up into a ball. Now I held both of our doves. I handed her my pure dove and she looked scared for me. I felt it. I saw it. The darkness that had been eating at her for years. What he did to her was monstrous. I looked into her eyes and faked a smile just as she had all those years. I opened my arms and embraced her tightly. I was happy that she was happy, and wanted her to always feel that way. The dove flew to my shoulders and shook the dirt away. The difference of me and her, was that my dove had always been black, we had gone through the same things. But unlike her, I could forgive. Even if I didn't want to.
The thought that ran through my mind after things had happened(I think it's obvious) were that life still moved on. It would move with or without my permission it would move. So I decided to move with it, move past the pain, and not let my attackers steal my dove.

Dear YouTube

 I was seven years old and life was good. Not great but it was good. My mother and father fought a lot, almost constantly. But I knew they loved each other. One night I had an ear infection, every noise was painful. Even the flapping wings of pigeons which was normal for the small town of berwyn IL on occasion. The sounds roared in my ears like lions. Growling and snarling pain through my head. That day I begged for sleep.

  I couldn't due to my parents arguing. I couldn't hear what they screamed about, but all they did was scream. I began to chime in with them, going from a pathetic whimper to a alto yelling. They came in and gushed me to sleep, I lay down as my father lay beside me until I fell asleep. I was so grateful for that, do very grateful.
The next day I was cranky, I'll admit I deserved the spanking my father had given me, but at the time I was angry. So angry that I told him that I wished he was dead, that I hated him.

The next few months he deteriorated, he went from working his butt off to being on life support for months. My mother held his hand for 47 minutes until he passed.
  I then learned that he hadn't been my biological father. But I knew in my heart he was my daddy. No matter what, he was my daddy and would always be. Because he knew that I wasn't his, but he still loved me none the less. That night, when my mother and father were arguing, I believe that they were arguing over me, over my father. But he still came into my room and laid down next to me, smoothing my hair until I fell asleep.

Dear YouTube viewers, I know that you are not my biological family, but you are my family in my heart. You make me smile, you make me laugh, and I throughout want to do the same for you. This is why I record, because if I can make at least one person smile, I'll carry on my father's legacy. I know you are not related to me, but I'm still going to be here for you. No matter what. heart emoticon that's why your my fluffybutts.

~kiramae16f

RE: Lost Love

We met at the heart of summer, immersed in a culture we both shared - still share, in a way. It was a carefree time, where we both thought we were still untouchable, where freedom reigned. Feeling completely and fully ... I don't know how to explain it. We were too big for our own worlds, but too small minded for the real world. We still had a lot to learn, but in that moment, we didn't care. We really didn't. We just cared for the moment. It was us, and we were happy.
Just for a day...
We spent the whole afternoon together. Well, not just us. You spent the afternoon with my family. You were smart and reserved. Kind of silent, in the dark and possibly brooding sense. But we went to the beach. It was such a blast. Swimming and crashing in the waves, tanning on the beach... Not a care in the world, but whether we maybe like each other.
Sun and ocean air and immersed in our culture, being free from everything for just awhile. Being together, roaming, contemplating.
Then, alone together, just for a few minutes, sitting on the couch, enjoying each other's company in that almost silent way of ours. Not showing off, not being loud or obnoxious. Just being us. Whatever. You lean over and we look at each other. Just for a moment... and then....
.... and then you asked.... you asked a question that I was nervous to answer...
You asked if you could kiss me. I was so nervous and shocked that I said, "No."
No? What?! Why the hell did I say no?? NO???
I liked you, for crying out loud. I really did. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted something more than what we were. I don't even know what we were, but it was something.
We had just met, though. I just met you. We barely spent the day with each other. I so, so wanted to. But the only thing I was afraid of was the distance between us after I came home..... and being hurt if you found someone else. Not if, but when. Because I knew you would.
That doesn't negate the fact that I liked you, that maybe something could have happened. I haven't been able to stop asking myself "What if?" for the past several years. What if I had kissed you? What if something had happened between us? Would things have changed? Or been different altogether? Would we have been the same?
We came to your family's house that night and had dinner with you and the family. We spent hours over. You took my brother to your room and played video games with him. There was a little bit of a language barrier between you two; my brother wasn't quite as fluent as he could have been. But that didn't matter. The fact that you took the time to bond with him made me happy. It made me feel sort of a connection with you, if there wasn't one to begin with.
In the days and weeks after, I would ask your sister about you. I kept asking her little things; she knew, of course, that I liked you. I was sort of obvious about it. She would pass along my hellos and other whatnots. But I really didn't see much of you after that night. Maybe once or twice the rest of that summer. Not again, after that. And I never understood why...
I keep thinking that it was love lost. It was a missed connection. It was something that could have been. You were the first person that I could have loved. You were the first person I wanted romantically. You are the first person I connected to those feelings, to love romantically.
We are friends on Facebook. You hardly are ever on. Maybe because we are in different time zones, maybe because you're busy, you have a life. Or maybe, just maybe, it's just too painful to think about that first rejection. It is for me. I still feel sad and confused when I think about it.
I really wish I had the guts to let you kiss me. I wish something had happened between us. We could have been something. We SHOULD have been something.
But what happened? Why did we miss out on something that could have been?
Maybe it wasn't supposed to work out...
Or maybe we were just too ignorant to figure it out....

The quiet one

The quiet one

We grew up
Watching the old woman
Run frantically around her house
Local and World News blaring too loud!
Nobody surrounding the breakfast,lunch, and dinner table could hear their own thoughts being processed at the given time of her presence. Yet everybody heard her.
Horror stories were broadcasted loudly, as they left her mouth while the words entered so clear and carefully into every open ear that was near. "You better not hit any deers on the drive home, if you do it's going to be expensive replacing the windshield! We don't need more bills to pay!" "Did you hear what so and so is doing with their life? Well so and so better shape up! Life isnt going to be easy and there is going to be hell to pay!"
Always so quick to assume the worst was yet to come. Severe consequences were a likely outcome much like her opinions or so she thought. Never present to find the pleasant surprise of letting go of the wall that carried all her fear...
Behind the wall shadows fall in fear, worry, and defeat
But who can deny
The call of butterflies?
Have you ever looked out of the eyes of another?
Have you ever stepped into the same river twice?
Have you ever turned off the outside noise to hear the voice of your own heart?
Why do we store so much pride?
Why do we give in to so much manipulation?
OUTSIDE...
My reputation looked so appealing to the eyes of others.
INSIDE...
My heart was an apple rotting to the core
MY MIND...
said yes to everything
WHERE....
Is the no in that?

I spun around in circles....

Until I fell into silence.

Futures creating futures

Futures creating futures

Some sit and wonder
Some are satisfied
Some just strive
Their whole lives
Innocent souls surrounding
Trapped in toxic society
We could sleep the day away
We could watch the sun fade
We could run far away
From the dark forrests in our minds
Set fire to all cities!
Anything to free the soul
Anything to plot the escape
No, the scripts of our lives
We cannot re-write
Burn away the ashes
Blessed are those who strive
Spending futures to create futures
As chapters reveal our lives

Alley Cat

Alley Cat-

As she sits at the top of a narrow and lengthy building,
Her eye catches the swarm of traffic that passes so rapidly!
The voice of a mad rush compels her heart to stay
She takes a glance into the world surrounding,
almost as if her eyes were closed,
As the hours pass by, the night consumes her mind
Lingering thoughts are cast away,
 by the breath of city lights
Her hair is blown by the whispers of a new wind.

Sunglasses (Hybrid)

                      Sunglasses (Hybrid)

Your mother called me a "no-where girl"....She met me once and she hated me because I wore "too much"
Black clothing, my make up was too heavy, and I dressed "too much like Joan-Jett" ....."Why do you listen to so much Lady GaGa!!??!!" She asked you in a voice equivalent to screaming nails on a chalk board and you said "Because I want to! I've had enough, this is my prayer, that I'll die living just as free as my hair!" .... Shortly afterwards you ran out of the house, jumped in the car blasting your music so loud that you couldn't even hear yourself think and you drove off miles away from home. It didn't  matter what anyone thought because you were born that way. Baby, I'm not really here to complain about Maybelline or your mother.
Roll the the windows down and turn the music up this is gunna be a long night! A friend who was trying to teach you to love the person you are inside. What a tragic sin. What a "no-where girl".... What a punk ass bitch with an attitude living life "aimlessly with no direction" you know what's funny about that situation? I probably drive down the highway going 150 miles per hour with an ice cream cone in one hand singing into it like a microphone while my best friend is in the driver's seat asking God to make it home in one piece!....oh wait no that's you! Oh wait never mind that's none of my business! I don't aspire to be a kirmit the frog meme on the internet sipping tea...but honestly, we all know driving off was never a hesitation for you. Yeah, uh-huh you know what it is....black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow.... But so what you're still a rockstar! So put those sunglasses on, drop the bass and let it vibrate.
Freestyle is your lifestyle don't ever let it fade. I took the time to walk the path of conversations I'll never get back. You pushed me away into my zone. No I haven't seen your headphones. Kissing you was like an animal jumping down my throat! You really liked to bite me and I just wanted to be left alone. You dropped me off one night after we got in a fight only to text me 20 minutes later and tell me you never went home. If you went home you'd wake everyone up because of the alarm your mom set. You'd been sleeping in your car that whole 20 minutes until a Raccoon scratched the side of your car door. You told me to go back inside and sleep and  to come outside later and hit you with a pillow. I didn't want you to sleep in your car alone outside so you slept in the driver's seat and I slept in the passengers seat. Before I knew it you drove off again! Miles away but I'll never forget as I put my sunglasses back on and remember the times we felt infinite. As I'm driving through a tunnel blasting the Smith's. Stop me if you think you've heard this... I'll free you with one kiss and we'll taste the caution dripping from our lips. Yeah I'll put my sunglasses back on. We'll lock hands, run off, and write a new song. Sunburns never last too long.

Salt & Sheen

Let’s go back to Oneida
When we first got our feet wet
Back when you were inviting
And I was okay with not knowing

Let’s go back to Wilcox  
Before all the fighting  
When the cemetery was quiet
Man, we had the coolest apartment

I don’t even know the name of your new street
You’re off in Detroit while I’m boxing up everything
I don’t know the faces of your roommates
I hope you find your way through your existential maze
I don’t think I can wait

You broke my heart on Essex
Where you first met my folks
The first time your tears matched mine
You tried to touch my hand one last time

I don’t think you should come see me down on First street
One spot in the city needs to be left bitter sweet
One place unaffected by your salt and sheen
Man, you just had to ruin everything

I don’t even know the name of your new street
You’re off in Detroit while I’m boxing up everything
I don’t know the faces of your roommates
I hope you find your way through your existential maze
I don’t think I can wait

I don’t want to know the name of your new street
Visiting you is the last thing I need
I don’t want to know the faces of your roommates
Oh they say she looks like me
Bet you feel so wild and free
Self-deluded and polluted
Please don’t lose your salt and sheen

But I don’t think I can wait

-Kelly H.

RE: Human Race

I am so sick and tired of people who make a stink about the LGBT laws. We are trying to gain rights that you have been given since the day you were born. Your rights aren't being taken away. We are fighting for the ones we, as human beings, deserve equally.
What really bothers me is the whole anti-trans legislation. If a girl's gotta pee, a girl's gotta pee. It doesn't matter if she was born male. She's a girl NOW. She's not a pervert, a rapist, or whatever else. She's a woman and she needs to pee. A brother's gotta pee, too. He's not doing anything wrong because he's just using the bathroom of which gender he identifies with.
Perverts and rapists have been sharing bathrooms with our daughters and sons for YEARS, and people have just been using their phobia of transgendered people to point out everything that is wrong with society. Like, NO, you don't need a scapegoat. You fix what is wrong with what should be fixed.
This isn't rocket science. It's about respect. It's about loving and appreciating people around you and their differences. It's about acceptance. It's about being a human being and acknowledging that we are of ONE race.
I don't care if you're straight, cis, bi, gay, transgendered, come from a different walk of life, have a different skin color. If you respect me, I respect you.
But seriously. Look around. We are destroying our brothers and sisters because of a fear. We are tearing each other apart because we can't accept each other's differences. We can't look past our differences because we don't know how to love and accept the differences.
Be an advocate for people who can't do it for themselves. Be a voice for those who can't speak. Be an ally for those who need it.
And love your neighbors instead of showing them bigoted and ignorant hate and fear.
We are but one race. Let's act like it. Care for each other, love each other, appreciate what makes us different and unique. Because that is what will make us stronger.

RE: Jealous, Dramatic Former Friend

I thought I knew you... Well, I do know you. You haven't changed since our falling out. You are the same childish, ignorant, easily manipulated, somewhat conservative 30 something b* who can't seem to unlatch from mama's wallet/house/life/tit. Excuse the crude language.
You only see me as how I once was. Sure, I could be dramatic then, but seriously. Everyone can have drama, even the low maintenance people who stay away from it. Yeah, maybe I was a little ignorant then. But at least, in the past ten years of my life, I have seen more of the world and been cultured and have been part of more than you'll ever be in your life. Ever. I am nowhere near as ignorant at 24 as you are in your late 30s. Which is real sad. And I am not bigoted. I am a minority. A bisexual woman. When we were friends, I made you question your sexuality, but you never made it to being part of the minority.
Unlike you, I HAVE changed since then. Oh, have I got something for you, Queen of Unchanged Selfishness and Drama. Yes, girl, enjoy the ride, because you will be blown away. A difficult feat, due to - how to put this mildly- your stature.
I have been home for a total of about 11 months since June, 2013. I moved out for six months in 2013, came home for a month and a half, left for FEMA Corps, came home for six months, then left for seven months. I've been home for four months, studying for an exam AND working. Did I mention that my exam is a nationally certifying exam?? No? Okay, just to let you know, there is absolutely NO pressure. At all.
I am also trying to move out of my mama's house within the next year or so. Yeah, it will be difficult. But it will be so damn worthwhile. Because I will finally be independent. I will have my own place, I will be doing my own shit. I will be myself.
Honestly, I don't understand you. You allow yourself to be manipulated. You let other people tell you what kind of opinions to have - about yourself, about others. is there anything you do for yourself, independent from anyone else?
It seems as though you are content by living as an 18 year old, not an almost 40 year old. So involved in yourself, the drama you cause, your obsessions of childish  desires, that you can't see change around you. You are so caught up in trying to get Twitter follows from people who don't even know you exist and being perceived as good and popular that you don't think there are people out there who know who you really are. You would rather tear someone down (and do it happily), you wouldn't know what to do if someone would do it to you.
I have some advice for you. Get your head out of the sand and take stock of the world and people around you. Stop sucking mama's tatas and maybe get some independent thought. Oh, wait... the only independent thought I've ever known you to have was the one where you wanted some... well, rather unsavory things with me and my ex (although you "respected" us enough to just tell us what you wanted and not push it... it's "respectful" of you to tell us how needy you are and how you wanted us to feed into your questioning to satisfy your curiosity because you're more into yourself than actual equality). And maybe that's why you don't think independently. Because you have such terrible ideas when you do, and it turns you into the laughing stock of the village. Which is something you don't like.
Have a wonderful life.

RE: The Ocean

"The rhythm of moving water,
A stream bubbling down and around a bend,
The mighty river swishing around a curve,
Soft waves of a lake,
The moon tides of the ocean...
Peaceful and comforting in its ceaseless movement.
But the tides pull me home,
Calling me back to peace and comfort,
Tugging me away from a life I have made.
I can feel the tides in my veins,
The tides matching those of the ocean,
Ceaseless and tireless.
The sound of moving water brings me home,
Sends me to the comforting peace and calm
That always descends upon me
When the call of the tides in my veins
Answers the call of the tides of the ocean.
But only then will I be home,
When the tides in my veins
Matches the tides of the ocean,
When the call of the oceantides
Answers the call of the tides in my veins."
-A Charly Original || Ocean Tides

I've always felt most at home near an ocean, with its never ceasing tides, ruled by the moon. I feel calm and at peace. There is a big comfort in sitting next to a large body of water, drawn to the endless waves rolling onto the coastline.
Whenever I am away from the ocean, I am forced to entertain myself in other ways. I get lost in words - either reading or writing them, it doesn't matter -, caught up in daily dramas, get upset about silly things.
Sometimes I take myself to the river and think. I let the river soothe and calm me, comfort me, and bring me home. It pacifies me for awhile. until I leave again. And just like that, the tides in my veins start up again. Mostly quiet enough that I can go about my daily life, patiently waiting to call me home.
But sometimes, it's as though I can feel the tides in my veins, pulsating through my body, needing to be quelled. The burning desire is unsettling, and I yearn to be home again, near an ocean. I get restless until I am near water, and sometimes that won't even work. Unless I spend enough time by a river to be peaceful again.
But peace won't fully come until I finally make it back to the ocean again one day. Peace, calm, comfort, joy, happiness, a home. With the turns of the tides, and the ceaseless power of he ocean. Somewhere that always welcomes me home, where I can truly cherish that what I have come to and what I've come to can cherish me.
I come from the earth, but I will return to her by way of the ocean.

"As I long for the call of the ocean
To return the call of the tides in my veins,
As I wait for the moment
When that restlessness can be quelled,
I while away the hours impatiently,
Driving away the madness of the hours,
Allowing the pull of the oceantides
To wear on me until the day
I can return to the ocean..."
A Charly Original || Oceantides

RE: Peter Pan

Everyone has that one Disney (or Pixar, or whatever else) character that they wish were actually a part of life.
"Second to the right and straight on till morning" is how we are told to get to Neverland, a land of mermaids, Captain Hook, the crocodile, Skull Rock. But, most of all, the land of Pan, Tink, and the Lost Boys. Peter and the Lost Boys were always in trouble, hiding from Hook, with no sort of responsibility. Just the kind of life I wanted...
...My feet in the sand, my head in the clouds...
But I grew up (much to my disdain, and very much against the rules, according to Pan). I realized that the Land of Pan never really existed. There isn't a Captain Hook, mermaids flipping their tails on the beach, no hiding places in Skull Rock, none of it. There is no world just beyond the morning sun to run off to, no fairy dust to help us fly away. I couldn't marry Peter Pan or become a mother figure to the Lost Boys.
But one thing I did learn? Good thoughts and positive vibes are great company. Put goodness into the Universe and goodness you shall receive. You can't be good to others if you aren't good to yourself.
What is a good life without playing as hard as you work? Yes, you have to work hard to have a good life. Bu that's part of it. Take time to smell the roses, to enjoy the sunset, to listen to the rain. Take the long way home for once. Play around. Enjoy the scenery. Appreciate life. You truly won't realize what you're missing if you are too focused on being the next billionaire... hell, even if you're just too focused on enough work and stress to give yourself a heart attack.
Peter Pan, you may bot actually be real. I could never go second to the right and straight on till morning. Neverland doesn't lay just behind the morning Sun. But you will forever have a spot in my heart. Just because you were the first character to teach me a life lesson or two.
Fictional or not, you are one strong personality, and one helluva character. Go on terrorizing Hook and leading the band of Lost Boys, gallivanting on your island.
After all, that is what you do best, isn't it?

"End The Stigma"

When my mother was 15 years old she ran away from home. She hitchhiked all the way from Michigan to California. She ran away from home more than once but that's all I really know.
It got so bad that when she returned home she was hospitalized and diagnosed with Severe Bipolar Disorder.When I was 8 years old I walked into the kitchen. She had pills spread out all over the counter. Being 8 years old and clueless as to what was happening I said "Mom what are you doing?" She took a handful of the pills and called an ambulance. Before my eyes they took her away and I watched until the ambulance was no longer in sight. Luckily there were friends over to watch over me. She tried to commit suicide but Luckily was unsuccessful. A few days later I was placed in foster care for 6 months until my parents re gained custody over me. Throughout her life I've seen her go through med changes. I've experienced her being hospitalized in the middle of the night because she heard voices.I've witnessed her in psychosis when the medicine perscribed was not working effectively. When I was 12 years old my sister had to sign papers to commit her. When I was 15 my sisters and I had to commit her again. The last time she was committed I had to sign the paperwork I was 19 years old. She was threatening to call the cops on me while she was in the hospital. She threw coins down the hallway and kept coming out of the room they had put her in insulting the staff of the emergency waiting room. She was hospitalized for about 3 weeks and she has been stabilized since 2013. I can't possibly imagine the trama that was going through her mind at the time but I can tell you one thing. She felt as if the world was out to get her every time someone admitted her.  Bipolar Disorder is not a state of mind where one second you're in a bad mood and the next second your joyful. Bipolar Disorder is not pretending to be in a bad or upset mood just to gain attention. Bipolar Disorder is a serious illness that I grew up learning about my entire life. My mother is one of the most kind hearted people you will ever meet. I admire her strength greatly. She has friends who share similar illnesses and have struggled with the same trama of having a mental illness. They only see each other every once in a great while and they are the happiest group of friends I have ever seen together. They all uplift and encourage each other. None of them let their illness stop them from living their life. The simple state of being alive and well is what brings them gratitude and joy. There are times when they feel unwell but it never keeps them bitter. At least not for too long! Throwing around severe mental illness terms to define a bad day or a bad attitude is not okay. I'm tired of people throwing terms around loosely just to draw attention to themselves. It is one thing to know the definition from a term in a book and another to experience suffering or watching a loved one suffer.

THE AWAKENING BUTT DIAL FROM HEAVEN!

In one car ride I heard the following quotes:

"I'm not as assertive as I need to be"

"ROME WASNT BUILT IN A DAY DEAR!"

"I'm not as assertive as I need to be I DONT KNOW HOW THAT MAN IS GOING TO SELL HIS TRUCK WHEN THERE ARE PIECES OF WOOD HANGING OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!"

"OH IT'S OKAY IF WE LOSE TRACK OF EACH OTHER WE CAN ALWAYS BUTT DIAL EACH OTHER EVER DAY IN HEAVEN!"

I remember getting a ride with this awesome lady!... At first I was afraid of her because she yelled at me over the phone and I accidently butt dialed her the night before...I had formally met her on my way to a  destination I hadn't yet reached.  I was afraid that she was going to be yelling at me about how I  called her by accident the night before but instead she turned out to be hilarious!!!! She was like 60 something, She had this "gum chewing" attitude with her long beige jacket, coffee in one hand and cigarettes in the other hand!, She kept offering me these mini cigarettes and didn't mind letting me smoke in her car. When I arrived at her office she insisted that I sit down in a chair so she could brush my hair! She stood in line at the gas station striking up a conversation with the cashier for a good 5-10 minutes...probably pissing a few people in the line off who were in a hurry but nevertheless the conversation carried on until she said all she needed to say! She said honey....Rome wasn't built in a day! You need to start taking life one day at a time and stop being so hard on yourself! You're going to get to where you want to be but the goal is to keep trying! It's all about the little things in life! She looked out the window and said "ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY!!! SEE... LOOK AT THAT DUMB GUY OVER THERE (As we passed a random house) THAT RED TRUCK IS AN UGLY RED TRUCK WITH A FOR SALE SIGN! I DONT KNOW HOW THAT DUMB GUY IS GOING TO SELL THAT DUMB THING WITH WOOD STICKING OUT OF THE WINDOW!!! I HOPE HE REMOVES IT SOON ITS A BIT OF AN EYE SORE! Wouldn't you agree?"
Then I nodded my head and I couldn't help but laugh as she rolled down the window and offered me a cigarette. "Attitude is everything" at the end of the car ride she insisted on getting out and giving me a hug.... she said "It's only going to keep getting better!" by the end of the car ride I felt like a totally different person. You just never know who you're going to meet! It just goes to show life is random! Time always moves weather you choose to or not. Attitude is everything! 

My Blue Rose

How did we get here? I used to know you so well... These words couldn't be more suitable on days when you swim through my mind. I've kept this built up inside of me for too long. So now I'm going to tell the world how I feel. If anyone reads this they'll know how I really feel about you. The thoughts that skip though my mind on a warm summer day as I sit by a river and reflect. My blue rose the best lesson I ever learned from your absence even though it was only a short time that you were in my presence. So now if you ever feel the need to look back and wonder for any strange sort of reasoning. You'll know exactly how I feel about you.

It's funny how you can know someone for a short amount of time. Yet they still come across your mind everyday. I've been pissed off at serenity quite a few times in my mind for the simple fact that you never tried. Knowing you, you'd probably laugh at even the idea of this form of expression because that's just the kind of asshole you are. Yet I could be wrong and that could be a pre-concieved notion so I wonr reassure myself of any certainty my blue rose.

To picture you in a prison cell was the last thing we wanted to see. Yet you always seemed so restricted in yourself like you couldn't be who you were because it was more important to make a satisfying impression on others so they would like you. Then again maybe that's just another pre concieved notion. My blue rose.  I hear about you through our old mutual friends but I don't hear the story you would tell. What really happened in his eyes... I'll never know. Yet some part of me will aways wonder. I guess you can never be to sure of anything.

There were nights when I cried and nobody saw or heard but I kept moving on in silence because it made me more of who I am. Maybe you just wanted to understand your silence. The way I learned.
I needed that silence and I regret nothing because it made me more of who I am. I thought about calling you but I figured you didn't care because you never tried. A perfect excuse right?

I remember the first time I met you. You wouldn't tell me your name and you were laughing about some reference to a movie. While He drove so annoyingly in the front seat blasting bullet for my valentine. It was midnight and you guys abducted me to go get Mcdonnalds. I looked like a bum in a large grey tshirt and pajamas. Sitting in the front seat hoping I wouldn't die. While you guys were screaming the lyrics all the way there but that's just the way you guys were and I loved it! We also talked about the ciggaretts you were smoking. I hated smoke but I wanted to get to know you, so
we talked about it. You also told funny stories about how you were a janitor. It was great.

The second time I met you everyone called you Batman. So I just went with it and called you that too. We were all at your best friend's house watching Jimmy Nutron and I had an annoying headache that hurt like a motherfucker. Me and the other three left because it was getting late. Then we sat on
Em's porch and laughed for a while.

The third time I met you....you and palma were screaming your heads off in em's neighborhood when we all met up so I told yall to shut the fuck up because there were neighbors. I don't even know what yall were yelling about!

The fourth time... I asked you what the fuck your actual name was..... and then I knew... we hung out at hamlin and all of us kept making a big deal because there were double rainbows in the sky and we went to taco bell twice adding the word piss to ALL OF THE SONG LYRICS. There is so much I remember about the others too they were equally as important but right now I'm talking about you because this is what this post is about.

The first time we got each others numbers our conversation made no sense.... but some how we understood each other in a weird way. You liked me and I liked you and we sat under the stars talking about whatever we wanted to for however long we wanted to because that's what we felt like doing.
It was simple and comfortable. Maybe a little too simple and comfortable for your liking. Forgive me for being a bit cliche while I forgive you for breaking my heart in a way that made me who I am. I remember the silence and the absence in a way that it still makes me feel something I've never felt.
What I couldn't understand is why you never tried. To listen to your own voice. To sit in silence. To think. To hear yourself.

I remember when I fell so hard. Waking up in my bed. While you just moved on...or maybe took a step backwards a preconcieved notion could never tell me the truth only you could. But the words couldn't form into questions soon enough for me to ask why? If I sat and dwelled on the uncertainty of the questions I had for you I'd only be fooling myself. Because I've been doing good in my life without you. My tears will always wonder why you never tried but maybe you just wanted someone to understand. Maybe you think nobody ever will. Sadness only lingers if you dwell. I forgive you.
I wish you no harm. Worse things have happened to better people.

I want to thank you for being real with me. The most real I've ever felt with anyone. I'll never be the same. In a good way.

RE: Former Friend

You know, we were good friends when I was at Job Corps with you. We told each other everything - about relationships, family issues, school. We supported each other through successes, break ups, freak outs. We even had similar personalities, almost to a T.
But things changed when I left. Yeah, we talked every day. We talked about life, and relationships, and plans for the future. We talked like there wasn't three hundred miles between us. But it was different. There were things we didn't tell each other. Little things at first. Like feelings about each other, our future plans that changed. Family problems.
Then big things weren't shared. Well, one big thing. Feelings you and another "friend" of mine had for each other. And I found out days later. On social media, no less. Like I didn't matter to you anymore, your relationship with him was shared with everyone else before I knew about it. You neglected to tell me anything at all. I felt like I wasn't important anymore, like your relationship was more important than the one person who had your back for everything, who helped you when you needed help (even when you didn't need it), the person who wasn't faking or pretending, who wouldn't flake, the one who was your "Twin". The one person who hadn't hurt you, and would have never thought about it.
And you ignored me, then lied to me, because of a boy. Your reason behind not telling me was that you didn't know how I would feel or how I would react if you told me. When you knew that I would have supported it 110% if I had known how you guys felt about each other from the get-go. The one person who would have your best interests at heart, who would have talked you through all your fights, and who would cheer you on when you guys had good times, you so wisely decided to keep in the dark. Because of a boy.
In all honesty, maybe the end of our friendship was a good thing. If I've said it once while at Job Corps, I said it a million times - everything at that place was, is, and forever will be, temporary. You've heard me say it a time or three yourself. Everyone I befriended weren't really and truly my friends. Everyone there I befriended were just in my life to fill a void that was made when I left everyone I knew at home, and those friends were made out of necessity.
Your friendship was nothing more than me missing my best friends. My four really close friends who know me better than anyone in the world, the four people who could write a complete biography of the past nine years of my life in about six months, if they were to meet up and decide to write it.
You really never knew me. You only knew what I wanted you to know. Which isn't much, to be completely honest. You think you knew everything there is to know about me. In reality? You knew nothing. Nothing at all.
Maybe the way our friendship ended wasn't the best way to have gone about it. Maybe we could have been more mature. Maybe we should have acknowledge that our differences were too great, or the miles were too many. Or that we really weren't friends at all; it was more just a matter of convenience. Maybe we should have just taken some space.
But maybe that wouldn't have been a great way, either. But, in the end, it really doesn't matter. Because we really wouldn't have lasted, anyways. We would have stopped talking by now. And we would have forgotten each other. Life would go on, like it always does, and then our friendship wouldn't matter.
Because that's how life is, frankly. We just wouldn't have made it too much longer.
This is my final goodbye to you. I needed to finally let go, and this is how I needed to do it. Thanks for making me realize that I am my own person, for showing me that I have everyone I need. Thanks for showing me that I have the right friends, and they're everything I could ever ask for. They are my family.
I hope life brings you everything you ask for. I hope your relationship lasts forever, like you want it too. I hope you learn everything you need to.
Have a good one.
Goodbye.

RE: new contributor

Dear readers;
We have a new contributor, and I hope that we can give her a warm welcome. Our new contributor has been a good friend of mine for six years. We met in astrology class in our senior year of high school, and we've been inseparable ever since. Years of chaos and drama, break ups, bad breaks, birthdays... it's been such a great six years with this girl, and I hope there are more years to come.

Now, our posts from here on out will be anon, but we hope that this blog and these posts will give you some insight in our lives and who affects us - positively, negatively, neutrally, or any combination thereof. We appreciate our fan base...

Have a great night blog-isphere.

RE: Guy Barista @ local coffee shop

Dear barista;
You know, you reminded me of Pirates of the Caribbean Orlando Bloom (okay, let's be honest... Will Turner... and I had a massive crush on him the first time I saw PotC). And you are always happy, positive, goofy... friendly. But never with me... always with everyone else who came in, but our conversation never made it past my coffee order. And I kind of felt like maybe you were just irritated with me. Or just wanted to get me out of your hair (well, your man bun, let's be real.). You ignored me after I walked away from the counter and I just never knew why. 

Now I understand... watching the girls you talked to, I finally get it. I'm not thin enough, I'm not hippie enough, I'm not cool enough for you, I'm too suburban white b* that comes from money for you. I get it. I do. I'm not going to try anymore...

Why? Because I am so tired of trying, of having so much anxiety that I can't hold a normal conversation with you, of pretending that I am that girl. Of the only time you hear me having a normal conversation is when I am waiting for my coffee and talking to one of my girlfriends that I dragged along with me to the coffee shop. I'm so tired of hoping that one day, you'll wake up and realize that looks aren't everything, that you'll finally figure out that I AM a normal human being, that I am "cool" in my own right. That, as a writer, I am more cut out for bookstores and coffee shops than anything else, and by being at your coffee shop means nothing more than it's convenient and it's the closest normal, straight up coffee shop to where I live.

I'm not that girl; I'm not going to try. So, I've given up. I've given up trying to make you see that I am worth your time. That I am someone who could keep up with you. That, despite my anxiety, I can have a normal conversation with someone, that my anxiety doesn't make me weird or different. I'm just me. That it's what's inside that matters, and not how someone looks.

Thanks for missing out on a great opportunity, because now I have the time and the chance to look for something great, for something better than someone who's too blind to see something amazing and great and wonderful right beneath his nose.
~~Quiet, Anxious White Girl

RE: Brother

Dear Brother;
I miss you every day. You've been gone for 15 months, but the pain from your passing hasn't really lessened. Every day I think of you, every moment that I stop and try to see life from your perspective, I can't help but wish you were here.
You were always there, backing me up, no matter what. You helped me when I needed it, you understood when I needed space, you were there to listen if I needed someone to talk to and you were the only person I felt like I could talk to.
Every time you cross my mind, my heart hurts. I can't understand why the Universe took you away so soon. It wasn't meant to end the way it did. Maybe you were on the Universe's dance card, maybe you were needed elsewhere. But all of that only leaves little comfort. Your family you left behind still mourns and misses you, aches with the absence of your laugh and love, and wishes for something, anything, to change it all.
You made an impact on so many lives. You were a part of mine for only 8 years, but 8 years was long enough for me to receive the gifts you were meant to leave me with. I will forever cherish the gifts and the moments of happiness and comfort that you brought. And with those, your legacy will live on, through me, through us... your family. Those who are left behind and will never let your memory be forgotten.
May peace find you, brother, wherever you are.
~Charlotte

RE: Haters (Pt 2)

Dear Haters;
I know my life may not be perfect. I know I judge people. I know I have issues with how I treat others sometimes. I know that I may have a strong dislike for certain people who have used, mistreated, misguided, or just plain disliked me. But don't you dare ever hate me without knowing who I am or walked a mile in my shoes or get to know my history. 

Have a care for how you judge others; perhaps you should clean your own house first. 

Instead of being bigoted and ignorant, learn about who that person is. Learn about his/her past, culture, religion, interests, etc. Be intrigued by their differences instead of blaming them because they're different. Learn to fix the problem instead of being the problem. You have an issue with someone? Talk it out. Grow up.

So, next time you want to judge me? Next time you want to tell me what I am thinking or doing is wrong? Understand why I am doing what I am doing instead of being pissed off because my way of thinking is different.

Sincerely,
That b* you love to hate