RE: Anxiety

You are not cute. You are not sexy, cool, or retro. You are not even fun. Hell, you are like the worst kind of gift wrapped in a gaudy bow, the biggest let down after a huge buildup.

From zoning out and the unfocused musings and energy, to the weight on my chest and losing feeling in my fingers and hands (and sometimes all the way to my elbows), you tend to creep up on me at the most inconvenient of times. You know, like when I am at work or with friends. And what a joy! 

And you know the best thing? At your very best, you leave me at my very worst. I can't breathe or feel my extremities. I am already anti-social; you make it worse. Not only that, but you also make me feel as though I am alone and always will be. You make me feel I'm worth nothing because you bring up so much doubt within myself. Suffocating, paralyzing fear of failure or of being a let down that I push people away rather than ask for help. And then I wonder why I am single or have no friends. Because of you, I try too hard to prove myself or push people away. 

Why do you feel as though you can knock me on my ass? What makes you think I am completely fine with being vulnerable, especially at the most inopportune of times? In what dimension is that okay?

If that isn't enough, you - and any other mental illness - leave me in the land of stigma. It's a very cold place here, isolated and unfriendly. Whether I seek professional help or not, if I decide to take meds or not, I will always get sidelong glances or be on the receiving end of loaded silences. Even better, sometimes people stop talking to me.

Every day that you impede on my life is a day in my life I will never get back. It's a day I have lost to your cold, thin fingers wrapped around my heart, and icy tendrils spreading through my veins like slush. 

Every day is a fight. It's a fight to keep calm, maintain peace, and be steeped in serenity. It's a struggle to keep a brace face, continue being social, or staying focused. It's a constant battle, even on my best of days.

You know what? Despite it all, I am stronger because of that. I am above all that noise. I am not defined by a stigma. I am not defined by a mental illness. 

I refuse to fall. I refuse to allow myself to be stigmatized. I will, however, be made stronger. I will keep my head up and push forward. 

I am not defined by you. I am defined by who I am. 

You will not take control of my life. You are not going to continue defining how I live. 

I am taking control. I am alive and thriving. 

Allow me to show you who I am.