RE: Lost Love

We met at the heart of summer, immersed in a culture we both shared - still share, in a way. It was a carefree time, where we both thought we were still untouchable, where freedom reigned. Feeling completely and fully ... I don't know how to explain it. We were too big for our own worlds, but too small minded for the real world. We still had a lot to learn, but in that moment, we didn't care. We really didn't. We just cared for the moment. It was us, and we were happy.
Just for a day...
We spent the whole afternoon together. Well, not just us. You spent the afternoon with my family. You were smart and reserved. Kind of silent, in the dark and possibly brooding sense. But we went to the beach. It was such a blast. Swimming and crashing in the waves, tanning on the beach... Not a care in the world, but whether we maybe like each other.
Sun and ocean air and immersed in our culture, being free from everything for just awhile. Being together, roaming, contemplating.
Then, alone together, just for a few minutes, sitting on the couch, enjoying each other's company in that almost silent way of ours. Not showing off, not being loud or obnoxious. Just being us. Whatever. You lean over and we look at each other. Just for a moment... and then....
.... and then you asked.... you asked a question that I was nervous to answer...
You asked if you could kiss me. I was so nervous and shocked that I said, "No."
No? What?! Why the hell did I say no?? NO???
I liked you, for crying out loud. I really did. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted something more than what we were. I don't even know what we were, but it was something.
We had just met, though. I just met you. We barely spent the day with each other. I so, so wanted to. But the only thing I was afraid of was the distance between us after I came home..... and being hurt if you found someone else. Not if, but when. Because I knew you would.
That doesn't negate the fact that I liked you, that maybe something could have happened. I haven't been able to stop asking myself "What if?" for the past several years. What if I had kissed you? What if something had happened between us? Would things have changed? Or been different altogether? Would we have been the same?
We came to your family's house that night and had dinner with you and the family. We spent hours over. You took my brother to your room and played video games with him. There was a little bit of a language barrier between you two; my brother wasn't quite as fluent as he could have been. But that didn't matter. The fact that you took the time to bond with him made me happy. It made me feel sort of a connection with you, if there wasn't one to begin with.
In the days and weeks after, I would ask your sister about you. I kept asking her little things; she knew, of course, that I liked you. I was sort of obvious about it. She would pass along my hellos and other whatnots. But I really didn't see much of you after that night. Maybe once or twice the rest of that summer. Not again, after that. And I never understood why...
I keep thinking that it was love lost. It was a missed connection. It was something that could have been. You were the first person that I could have loved. You were the first person I wanted romantically. You are the first person I connected to those feelings, to love romantically.
We are friends on Facebook. You hardly are ever on. Maybe because we are in different time zones, maybe because you're busy, you have a life. Or maybe, just maybe, it's just too painful to think about that first rejection. It is for me. I still feel sad and confused when I think about it.
I really wish I had the guts to let you kiss me. I wish something had happened between us. We could have been something. We SHOULD have been something.
But what happened? Why did we miss out on something that could have been?
Maybe it wasn't supposed to work out...
Or maybe we were just too ignorant to figure it out....