You know, you reminded me of Pirates of the Caribbean Orlando Bloom (okay, let's be honest... Will Turner... and I had a massive crush on him the first time I saw PotC). And you are always happy, positive, goofy... friendly. But never with me... always with everyone else who came in, but our conversation never made it past my coffee order. And I kind of felt like maybe you were just irritated with me. Or just wanted to get me out of your hair (well, your man bun, let's be real.). You ignored me after I walked away from the counter and I just never knew why.
Now I understand... watching the girls you talked to, I finally get it. I'm not thin enough, I'm not hippie enough, I'm not cool enough for you, I'm too suburban white b* that comes from money for you. I get it. I do. I'm not going to try anymore...
Why? Because I am so tired of trying, of having so much anxiety that I can't hold a normal conversation with you, of pretending that I am that girl. Of the only time you hear me having a normal conversation is when I am waiting for my coffee and talking to one of my girlfriends that I dragged along with me to the coffee shop. I'm so tired of hoping that one day, you'll wake up and realize that looks aren't everything, that you'll finally figure out that I AM a normal human being, that I am "cool" in my own right. That, as a writer, I am more cut out for bookstores and coffee shops than anything else, and by being at your coffee shop means nothing more than it's convenient and it's the closest normal, straight up coffee shop to where I live.
I'm not that girl; I'm not going to try. So, I've given up. I've given up trying to make you see that I am worth your time. That I am someone who could keep up with you. That, despite my anxiety, I can have a normal conversation with someone, that my anxiety doesn't make me weird or different. I'm just me. That it's what's inside that matters, and not how someone looks.
Thanks for missing out on a great opportunity, because now I have the time and the chance to look for something great, for something better than someone who's too blind to see something amazing and great and wonderful right beneath his nose.
~~Quiet, Anxious White Girl
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